Christmas Eve...

It's one of my favorite evenings. I'd be lying to you if I said that I hadn't thought that this particular Christmas Eve was going to turn out to be a bit lonely. I've spent holidays without family in the past...but for some reason I was being a bit of a baby about it this year.

As it turns out though, I came to St. Louis early, relaxed at the old homestead, and went to church with Cheryl, bff from highschool! Not only was it great to go to a candlelight service, but it was great to see so many families that I have known and loved since high school. I do love those Atonement folks.

All in all, it's been a pretty great Christmas Eve...Tomorrow my parents come home...I can't wait for them to open their presents : )

Happy Christmas Everyone!

When there's no place to go...

When there's no place to go, there's no need to rush. This might not seem like rocket science to most of you, but it's not an easy thing for me to grasp. I spend so much of my life running from place to place that when I no longer have a place to run, I don't know what to do with myself.

It's Christmas Eve eve....My family is at my brothers and it seems that I will be alone on Christmas Eve and most of Christmas Day. No family dinners to get to, no gatherings to arrive at on time, no Christmas programs to be a part of...no need to rush. I guess this is what happens when you get older and live further away from your family (and work at a church).

I've had such a difficult time getting into the Christmas Spirit this year and am way behind on Christmasy stuff...like the pile of presents still sitting in my front room and the stack of Christmas cards yet to be mailed.

More than anything I'd like to walk into a sanctuary this Christmas and truly worship. Since my family is not around, it seems that I get to decide where to make that happen. Now all I have to do is decide when and where to travel!

Today my heart broke...

I've been in a bit of a news bubble the past week or so. I was at the National Youth Workers Convention (which made me think...alot.) and then I got back and the past three days have been a bit busy.

This morning I finally read the news...and my heart broke. I knew there was a topical storm going on down near Haiti. I knew Haiti was in the midst of it, but I didn't know how bad it was. People say flooding and that doesn't mean much to me. I've never really seen real flooding. I saw it on the news when the big rivers in St. Louis flooded years ago, and I saw things on the news when Katrina hit New Orleans, but this morning on CNN.com I watched mothers in Haiti, smaller than me, put their 10-12 year old daughters on their shoulders to carry them over a rushing river so that they could get to school without damaging their uniforms. For some reason that broke my heart. What action will follow...I'm not sure. I'm not sure what I can do to help the people that I love so much. But when I come up with something, I'll let you know.

Red, Red Wine...

Tonight I am living the glamorous life. It's 8:15pm and I am home, which is quite an accomplishment in and of itself! I have enjoyed part of a frozen pizza, I have started my laundry, and I am drinking a glass of red wine. It's so great to be at my house and relax. This is something I don't do nearly enough.

Tomorrow I leave for St. Louis and the Youth Specialties conference. I cannot wait!

Tonight...

Tonight I discovered, on my last night of my 26th year of life, why I am still single. It's simple really. It's because CLEARLY the only man for me is Jude Law...and we have not yet met.

I'm sure when it finally happens it will all make sense, and we'll think, "why hasn't this happened sooner."

Anyway...I just thought you, my blogging world, ought to know!

: )

Next time I talk to you...I'll be 27!

Speaking the truth....

I'm not sure I spoke the truth in love tonight...it might have been more motivated from frustration or anger. Nevertheless...it was the truth. It was not easy to say. And it's not easy knowing that I've hurt someone's feelings. But I do think it was something that needed to be expressed, and deep down...I really do believe it was the right thing to do, even if it does make me feel a little uneasy.

Speaking the truth to someone=not my favorite thing.

I am not the average American woman...

Today on the morning news there was a report on shopping. I tuned in because I am a fan of that passtime.

Apparently the Average American Woman owns 19 pairs of shoes, but only wears 4 regularly.

I probably wear 19 pairs of shoes regularly, and I'm not even going to guess at how many pairs I own.

I always knew I was above average!

Cocktails for one...

Today I had my first cavity filled in my tooth...ever. I went to the dentist...not that scared. When I got in the chair I felt the need to tell the dentist that I had never really gone through this experience before...to that she says, "oh...do you want the gas?"

I had no idea what the gas was and the tech said I wanted it, so I said ok. They strapped the hose on my nose and the dentist says, "Just breathe through your nose, it'll be just like an afternoon cocktail." I figured anyone talking cocktails at 3pm in the afternoon was destined to be my friend.

Sure enough, that stuff was great. Not quite as great as a Bombay Sapphire Martini, but not at all bad. And getting my cavity filled was actually not a bad experience at all...

Three cheers for my dentist and the happy gas...but as my dear friend Laura has reminded me, you have to watch out for the gas because as we've learned from Little Shop of Horrors, if you have too much of the gas, you'll end up getting eaten by a giant plant. no thanks. (and by no thanks, I mean no thanks to the getting eaten by the plant thing...gross!)

Ugh...

It's 10:12pm and I'm sweating. Gross.

I refuse to turn on the air though because overnight the temperature is supposed to get down to the mid sixties and I'm protesting my high electric bills.

MMMMMMM Pictures....

Tonight I got to endure one of the more unfortunate parts of singledom. The Church Pictoral Directory. The time has come for our congregation to make a new photo directory...It's no secret that I love the camera, and I was actually looking forward to getting my picture taken. I was scheduled for the last time slot of the day, 8pm. I carefully straightened my hair...afterall, this picture was not just about me, but about the historical files of the church that I work for...40 years from now I don't want someone looking through the archives and thinking how unkempt their DCO was!

I walked in with my black dress and leopard print heels, feeling quite confident...The photographer told me no one would see my shoes...I asked if I could take them off and hold them so they'd make it in the shot...it was the best part about my outfit! For my craziness she allowed me a few extra poses (none of which showed my shoes...boo) The details of the photo shoot can only truly be appreciated by hearing me retell it verbally...but what was most amazing and, if I'm completely honest, humiliating was the portion after the photo shoot. They bring you in a room with a big set up of pictures, and a computer to view your proofs. She started flipping through my shots and there were a couple really adorable pictures of myself...naturally none of those were photos that you could use as the picture in the directory, for those I had to choose between the boring shots with the grey background. (double boo)

Then the sales pitch came...of course there are all sorts of packages I could choose from. I knew I wasn't going to buy anything but I didn't have the heart to stop her. Then she pulled up a layout where I could have three photos in one frame. Usually these are the frames where the first picture is of the parents, the last picture is of the children, and the middle picture is a lovely photo of the whole family. Since it was just me in the photos, she flipped through them all and showed me what it would look like if I bought the frame housing three different poses of me. It's true that there are few people who enjoy surrounding themselves with self portraits as much as I do...but to see a big frame with room for lots of people, that only had lots of Rachel in it was just a little bizarre.

I told my mom about it when I was leaving the church...I was pretty amused. Her words were this..."I can't believe you didn't get it...you've shown amazing restraint." I think I'll save my 42.95 and take my own self portraits with my camera...cheaper and more fun!

Only because I really want to out-do Ingrid...

Is out-do hyphenated? I don't know.

I'm not sure that I have anything altogether blog worthy to write about, but since my dear friend Ingrid commented on my renewed zeal for blogging, I thought I would toss out another entry.

Yesterday I had my teeth cleaned. (See I told you it wasn't interesting) It's been two years. I admit that I have neglected my dental health, not because I'm afraid of the dentist, or I don't like going. Quite the contrary! I love the Dentist. I love the feeling of freshly polished teeth, minus the gritty mint stuff that always leaves my mouth feeling like I've spent a day at the beach. Yesterday I was told that I have my first real cavity. I have to get a filling. I'm not sure that it's such a big deal, but I have two weeks to talk myself into being afraid of the drill! I hadn't gone to the Dentist in two years because I find it extremely tedious and annoying to find new doctors. Several people suggested this particular office and after being there I can see why. The perfectly worn leather couches in the waiting area were nice. I wanted to grab a cup of coffee and sit there and read all day...I probably would have if I could have thought of a way to escape the lectures from the hygienist about how drinking coffee stains your teeth. The music was completely relaxing, and to top things off, my patient room had floor to ceiling windows that looked out over the non-developed side of Branson (which really is quite beautiful) and I got to watch wild turkeys roam. All in all, it was pretty relaxing! And it made me excited for Thanksgiving! : )

In other news...I'm reading a new book, thanks to Lindsey's suggestion. It's called Chasing Daylight, and so far I am captivated....I'll let you know how it turns out.

Now I'm off to stain my newly polished teeth with a big cup o joe. YAY!

The New Neighbors...

They smoke...they also talk very loudly. That means that when they're out on the front porch smoking and talking I can hear every word of their conversation. I've never been much on eavesdropping, but it's hard to not pay attention when they're yelling at each other and every word seems like it's coming from across my living room.

Tonight they're fighting about finances.

I think I'll invite them over for dinner. Not tonight...it's already 9pm...but maybe another night. Tonight I'll just have to listen to my dog bark at the huge amount of noise coming from the other side of the porch.

I know you want to be me but...

Well it's official. I know that my life is completely glamorous and coveted by others because I have now been the victim of identity theft. That's right folks someone tried to purchase some questionable online material and cable programming with my check card. The jokes on them though...I feel like saying, "Ha Ha sucker...you should have to stolen the identity of someone that has money!"

My checking account (which they tried to use) is driving on the fumes of my last month's paycheck, and luckily there was not enough in the checking account for the perpertrator to actually use my card on the big purchases they were trying to make. So I guess it does pay to be poor!

Take that you identity stealing criminal!!!!

Back by Popular Demand...

So I realize that I haven't blogged in...well, forever. I sincerely apologize to my blog fans, blog stalkers, and those of you out there living your life vicariously through me! I realize that it was very irresponsible of me to leave you hanging for oh so long.

The reason for my absence...chaos. My life has been complete chaos this summer. I realize that there is a contingent in this world that thinks that I do nothing for a living (not that I accuse any of you of having those thoughts) but the truth of the matter is that I actually do work quite hard, and a lot. Some of your know of my workoholic tendencies and try valiantly to help me dispell my need to have everyone at my work place approve of me...but even their efforts proved too little for my crazy schedule that I made for this summer! Work took over!

The past two months have been a whirlwind of meetings, youth trips, mission trips, church events, and the everyday things that go along with my job. Throw in my brothers graduation from seminary and ordination and that made for a packed calender! My parents actually kept my dog for an entire month because I would only be home for 9 of the 31 days! (thanks mom and dad!)

Do I have interesting stories from the past two months...you bet I do! Some I'll get around to tell here, and some I'd rather not relate to the entire blogging world, so you'll just have to call me if you want those details! Speaking of calling me. I've had cell phone issues. Some of you know that my cell phone was stolen, and then I got to use someone's old cell phone until I was able to upgrade the one that I no longer had because of the thugs in Branson...now I have another cell phone...I paid a decent amount of money for it, however, I seem to have paid for a piece of junk. In the mess of cell phone change after cell phone change this summer, I have managed to lose just about all of your numbers...so call me, we'll catch up!

My roommate moves out today and I really should head back to the house to help her pack her car, so I'm going to jet in a second, but I want you to know that stories will be available to read soon...so check back!

Also yesterday happened to be Lindsey's birthday. I didn't get to birthday blog for her...so I wanted to leave you all with a word about my dear friend. So here goes...26 adjectives that describe my dear friend, in honor of her birthday and in thankfulness that God graced the world with her presence and shows his goodness through her! Lindsey...you are:

BEAUTIFUL
fun
Smart
QUIRKY
stylish
kind
Entertaining
merciful
effervescent
NERDY (but in a good way!)
charming
Quick-witted
HILARIOUS
adorable
humane
Talented
clever
faithful
caring
FRIENDLY
loving
jovial
Patient
loyal
Humble
CHILD OF GOD

You are my friend...Lindsey I LOVE YOU! : )

Today I....

wrote a blog. I deleted it.

Instead I will share this:

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteaous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." ~5:43-48

Training...

So today I ran longer (without stopping to walk) than I ever have. It was 1.7 miles. This might not seem like a huge accomplishment to some of you, but for me it was huge. I couldn't believe that I could do it...about a week ago I decided that I would try to make the "longer" sections of my running workouts, longer. Today I really felt a sense of victory on the treadmill, like I had definitely done something that I wasn't sure I would be able to do. It gives me hope that I might someday actually be a runner...don't get me wrong, I'm still a long ways off, but at least I'm on my way.

In other news, I leave for vacation in a week...I cannot wait.

Anger

It's an emotion that I do not channel well. It is one that I wish I never, ever had.

NPR Today...

As I was driving around town early this morning I was given the opportunity to listen to my beloved NPR. I've been a bit out of the news lately so I'm not as up to date on the world happenings as I usually like to be...but I'll make no excuses for my ignorance.

At any rate as I was stuck in Branson West traffic (which will be my fate for the next year at least, while they are doing road construction) I was able to hear quite a few stories on Morning Edition. The topics haven't changed that much...who's going to be the Democratic nominee, Reconstruction in Iraq, people complaining about the president...people defending the president...

What I was most surprised at was listening to some guy (whose name I can't even remember right now) give an interview...the interviewee was prepared with an answer no matter what the question was, and he didn't stumble over his words or need time to think...he knew what he believed in and he knew the information he was willing to share, and he gave if confidently. Whether I agreed with him or not, I was impressed with this guy.

There are so many times that I am asked for an opinion or someone challenges my beliefs, or challenges the essence of who I am and what I do...and it takes me time to regroup, usually the first thing out of my mouth isn't exactly what I wanted to say and share...10 minutes after the fact I think of something really wise and impactful that I could have said. I wonder if the guy on NPR ever feels that way.

Life's Excitement...

Well it has been a busy week...it all started with Peer Ministry Training last weekend and then a quick trip out to Fort Wayne to visit my brother and sister-in-law. I love hanging out with them. My parents and grandparents...along with Gretal's family were all there as well. It was good. I know I've mentioned it before, but I always wish I could spend more time with my brother.

This time we were all in town for Jacob's call night. He graduates from the seminary in a little less than a month, and on Tuesday night the seminary had it's call night to tell the candidates where they would be heading after graduation. It was pretty neat to be sitting in the chapel filled with people and watch my brother receive his first call. He really is going to be a pastor...crazy. And not only is he going to be a pastor, but I think he's going to be a pretty good one. I'm pretty certain that he never reads this blog so I can brag about him a little bit and he'll never know. (as long as my parents don't snitch on me) My brother and I are alike in so many ways, but we've had our debates and disagreements over theological and doctrinal issues. I've spent a good amount of time in the last ten years of my life debating theological and doctrinal issues with people...alot of them pastors or soon-to-be pastors. Some people I disagree with and wonder how on earth they are going to make a positive impact in the Ministry...(of course all of us are set up for failure when it comes to ministry, but hopefully you get the point.) my brother on the other hand is really solid and grounded in scripture...and I'm really excited to see how God works through him as a pastor. God has definitely done a good thing...and I'm excited to watch it unfold. I'm also excited for him to be in full time ministry, there's something kinda of nice about having someone that knows me so well get a little better what it is I experience day in and day out as a professional church worker. Anyway he'll be in Dwight Illinois which isn't too terribly far from Chicago...and therefore only a few hours from my parents, which leads me to believe he and I might get to catch a few cardinals games from time to time!

Also while I was in Fort Wayne I got a phone call from my friend Danielle...she was in Florida visiting her family and was surprised by the early arrival of her second son while she was there...only my friend would go on vacation and give birth while she was there....Caleb Michael was a month early and is completly healthy and beautiful.

Today I was taking a nap when a phone call woke me up. It was Godson Noah...he's only 19 months so he doesn't have a ton of words yet, and our conversation wasn't filled with a ton of information but it was fun to hear his sweet voice on the other end of the phone, and even though I know it's the novelty of talking on the cell phone that he likes, it makes my heart smile just a little bit that he wanted to talk to me...ok ok, he did hang up on me twice...but we did cover some of the more important topics of the day...like the fact that he watched cartoons, likes apples, thinks caleb is cool (and noisy) and that he still can't say "Godmother Rachel"...he'll probably be six before he can say Godmother Rachel...it's a lot of syllables so I won't blame him...

Anyway it's been an exciting few days...my brother with his first call and my Godson with his first little brother. Now I can't wait to get to Minnesota to meet this kid, and see my friends that I love so much!

The Time Has Come...

Well, I have my computer back, and apparently it's all fixed. Things have been busy...but that's neither nere nor there...the point is that I have a story to share.

Yesterday I chased a mouse out of church. As I was re-wireing a speaker (yes you heard me correctly, I was re-wireing a speaker that I finally moved from my office to the nursery because no one had gotten around to it a year and a half later) I asked Judy, the ever willing secretray, to go out to the shed to get some wire nuts (or whatever they're called) and as she walked down the hallway she began screaming bloody murder. Well it wasn't exactly bloody murder and that might be a bit of an exageration but for the purposes of our story we'll go with that...exageration sometimes makes the story better right??? I jumped off the ladder to ask what was wrong. She said there was a "critter" down there. By the sounds of her screams I was thinking it was going to be a huge animal...but no. It was a mouse...a teenie tiny little mouse that looked more scared than we did. So I decided to free it. Due to an extensive amount of mouse hunting that I did when we lived in the ghetto house on Dayton, I knew exactly how to handle this situation, so I blocked all point of exit except one, and I ever so carefully inched my way towards the mouse, hoping to not scare it. Then I went toward the handle to open the door. Of course the stupid little thing wouldn't go outside like it was supposed to so I had to shoo it out with a broom...but I have once again kept the church safe from the random animals that often get inside....and I totally put a new socket in a wall. I'm pretty stinking amazing.

Also last night I had a dream that I went on a date with Mr. Big from Sex in the City. I'm not sure what that was all about but I was also in Minneapolis and it was Lindsey's birthday. For her birther I got 2 dozen green balloons and I had to carry them through the streets, but it was windy and they all kept blowing away...and by the time I got there (after my date with Big) I only had one balloon...but she was still excited...so Lindsey, thanks for being the kind of friend that in my dreams is still kind to me when I lose 23/24ths of your birthday present.

That's all for now folks.

When your computer doesn't work....

Is it weird that I sometimes don't know what to do when my computer doesn't work...it's like the click of the keys is a type of therapy for me. Unfortunately my laptop battery is dead, and the power cord decided to stop working so therefore I have no computer...sad, I know.
Things have been pretty busy anyway and I probably wouldn't have much time to be on it, so I guess it's not that huge of a deal.

Life is a little crazy right now...busy, but I guess it's a good busy. I hate being bored more than I hate being busy. So I just wanted to send a shout out to my blogging world so y'all didn't think I'd dropped off the face of the earth. I'm still here...

And hopefully next week my computer will be working and I'll have fun stories to share...we shall see.


p.s...I know that this wasn't in the least bit interesting, so I promise I'll be better next time.

This Morning...

This morning I went to the port/marina/park to run/walk/jog with my dog. It's a pretty beautiful thing...the calm morning, cars aren't really out yet, people aren't either. It's just me, my dog, the sun, water and my ipod (oh yeah and the geese, but I choose to ignore them).

A thought hit me while I was doing my thing...I have never been more aware of my sinfulness than I have since the beginning of this year. It's not that I've become a "worse" person...or that I've turned away from God...I still believe and claim his forgiveness on my life, it's just that I, a person who has never had a problem living in grace before, am having a harder time forgetting the wrong I've done, the places I've fallen short, and my inadequacies. And I'm not sure why. I just know that every once and a while I am hit with a feeling that I am SOOO not good enough (which I've always known, but my confidence in Christ has never been an issue...and it's not that I'm not condident in what my Jesus can and does do). I am just very convicted. Maybe because it's spring...and that means spring cleaning...maybe I need to Spring Clean my life.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this here...I'm not looking for answers really. I just wanted to say that I think I understand some of the Psalms of David now where he is going through some rough stuff...and even though my life is pretty good, and it looks pretty good from the outside, on the inside, I'm still a big fat sinner. I get it.

Big News...

Tonight, for the first time in my life, I successfully grilled my dinner on the Weber grill! It only took my half a bottle of lighter fluid to get the flame going...but that's not the point. The point is that the chicken was cooked, and the squash that I made was A-MaZiNg!

And We Are Changed...

Haiti is amazing. On Sunday night I finally returned to MO (after a minor setback at the Houston airport that lasted nearly 24 hours, and holds enough events for at least three blogs, nevertheless, it is not the most important thing that happened in the last week and a half, so if you want to hear about it, you'll have to send me an email or give me a call.) This year preparing for Haiti was difficult, harder than last year, partly because of my busyness...partly because it was just me going from my congregation, and partly because it came so quickly after the first of the year. I wasn't able to dwell on what I was going to be doing, or even prepare as wisely as I had the previous year.

But the time came and I went.

All I can say is that I was immeasurably blessed by the time I spent with my brothers and sisters in Haiti. I still do not know why God has given me a heart for His people there, but he has, it's almost inexplicable.

This year I spent 8 days in Haiti. It wasn't nearly long enough. The 8 days were filled with so much. I played with kids...tried to speak their language...helped at orphanages...held babies at hospitals...jumped rope with kids that might go to meet Jesus very soon...spent time with friends that mean more to me than just about anything...felt Baby Tietjen kick...laughed...prayed...cried...sang...and even managed to move a little block and fill some holes with mortar.

I'll be honest and say that I haven't quite processed everything yet. There are so many people that I am with there, that inspire me...and almost in a way make me feel shameful of the way I take my life, time, and gifts for granted. Not a shame that makes me hang my head, but a shame that motivates me to be more than what is expected of me as a Christian in American Culture...instead it reminds me that God has called us to a higher calling...he has blessed us to be a blessing, and so often in my day to day life I forget that, but when I am Haiti I cannot forget.

I know that my life here in America will catch up with me again and some of the same patterns of my life will fall into place again, and ever so slowly, the tendency will be for me to forget how I am changed...the rush of routine will be the thing that leads and drives my life. I don't want to be that person though, and I will make an effort to be the kind of person who earnestly seeks God and His guidance in my life.

Soon I will post some pictures from the trip...and tell some specific stories...which hopefully you'll want to hear!

Blessed...

I am blessed. My family is amazing. I thank God for you all...you are a gift to me, a gift that gets better every time I get to open you up!

And another blessing...God chooses to use me. I'm not sure why...but he does, and I am blessed.

Slightly Irrational...

So last night when I blogged I was slighly irrational...sometimes that happens to me after a long day. Today I am better. In the light of day I can accomplish many things and I've actually been rather productive today. I've gotten a lot done and there's still much to be done...but it will happen when it happens, and I'm not going to stress about it!

I have my donation bags packed and I've managed to figure out a way to NOT have to be at the meeting tomorrow night. So that's a huge plus...now I have about 24 hours before I get in the car and head to St. Louis to prepare to leave for Haiti. I am so excited.

God taught me so much last year through my trip there, and I know that things will be different this year, but I cannot wait to get back to serve and spend time with people who have taken up residence in my heart.

Overwhelmed, Overjoyed...

I'm starting to see this as a bit of a theme in my blogs...or at least a theme in the blogs that I start and never finish. I am sitting in bed, typing my report for the Elder's meeting this Thursday and I am overcome for the gazillionth time today with a complete sense of being overwhelmed. I just don't get how I can do it all...and maybe that's the thing...I can't do it all. The past few weeks have been chaotic, pouring into students, leading them in Bible studies, training seminars, and trying to have quality time with them. Then I have my adult Bible studies because people don't think I "care" about older people (ridiculous I might add) and that I don't spend enough time with them. I love the Bible studies...but lately I've been bending over backwards to make sure I make appearances at more meetings, and other activities so that I can "please" everyone. I'm trying to rally the leadership of our congregation around the idea that we are in some serious need of mission, vision, and planning...there's a building project on the way, our pastor is retiring, and those aren't the only changes on the horizon. I have my mission group that I meet with that is incredibly exciting, but then I think of all the potential for future ministry and feel so alone in the effort that I don't know what to do. I have youth trips to plan, outreach visions to coherently put into words, service projects for thrivent, evangelism meeting notes to make, and to top it all off I leave the country in 3 days and I haven't even begun to think about what I'm going to bring with me. That's just the "work" side of my life.

I'm trying to see my friends, and maintain relationships with a few people, exercise more, eat healthier, not bite my fingernails (which by the way I am an utter failure at lately), give my dog the attention she needs, keep my house clean, and the list goes on and on...

The only conclusion I can come to is that the people in this world who claim to have it "all together" are just lying to the rest of us.

Tomorrow is wednesday...it's Lent, so that means it will be a crazy filled day. I still have to pack for my mission trip...and then Thursday morning I have to be at the middle school at 7am (which I love doing but I may have to cancel this week) and then I'm supposed to be at a meeting at 7pm that evening get done at nine, pick up my dog, drive the 4 hours to STL, sleep for 3 hours and get to the aiport in time to catch my flight way stinking early the next morning. I guess it's my fault for planning so many things on top of each other...(although to be fair, I'd rather be chaotic than bored)...but seriously sometimes something has to give. I feel like bowing out of the meeting, but they're talking about serious stuff, and my ideas are all over the agenda...maybe I need to suck it up and tell them they don't need me for it, which in reality they don't...but my ego tells me that things would go "right" if I was there...but if I do that...ah...I guess it doesn't matter. I just needed to vent.

On the other side of things, I'm about to go to a place that I love dearly and see people that I have been missing for almost a year. Pray for me while I'm gone. I can't wait to see Haiti again.

Also...

Tomorrow I am fasting for the first time. I am fasting because a dear friend has an 18 year old boy in her church who is undergoing brain surgery tomorrow. His name is Spenser. I don't know him, but he seems like an outstanding, extraordinary young man.

Please pray for him, that the sugery would go well, and that his eye sight and personality will remain intact.

I don't...

I dont't talk to my brother enough. I love talking to my brother. When we talk, we don't talk about much...over the phone that is. We don't see each other too often...and we don't talk all that often...but I love my brother. I like just hearing what's going on in his world. I think we are so much alike, and so different at the same time. It's weird...and I don't know how to explain it, but I just talked to him, and I left the conversation knowing that I wish I talked to him more.

I guess I have to give props to my parents for raising us the way they did. I'm not sure how they managed to make sure that two kids so close in age ended up liking each other. I'm only guessing that my brother likes me as much as I like him.

he's my big brother...and I look up to him.

I guess that's all I have to say about that.

I'm a baller...

I posted this on my myspace, but I wanted to put it here, because I thought it was pretty funny...

On Mondays I have Bible study at the junior high school with a group of girls. Today one of the girls I had to take home wandered into the gym where some kids were playing basketball, so I joined in with them. I shot a couple shots and made them and this little girl looks up at me and says, "Wow...you should play on our team" and I said, "I think I'm a little old for that." Then she said, "Well you should play on the high school team." And I said, "I think I'm a little old for that too." She looked at me looking all confused and said, "How old are you?" and I told her I was 26....she looked at me and says, "You totally look 19." Ha....only a 12 year old would think I was good at basketball...I loved it. And I'm pretty sure 19 is too old to play on the high school basketball team too. I did get to whip up on some kids that were trying to show off though.
So there you have it...Rachel's my name, and schooling little kids on the basketball court is my game.

My List...

I have never been much of a list maker. Seriously I don't do it because I make the list, then it gets misplaced and I never find it again. Plus I'm the type of person who will just put things on a list so I can cross them off, usually meaning that I write something on the list that I have already done so I start off with a sense of accomplishment...My friends are list people...and recently my dear friend made me a "to-do" list for the month of january, but since I got it halfway through the month, I'm going to let it carry over into February. Here it is...

Rachel's January to do list:
1. Try a new food never eaten before (done...had the mexican steak wrapped around some kind of pepper...tres good. )
2. run at least 3 times per week (so far so good!)
3. Read 1 fun book and 1 educational book (halfway through the fun book...working on another)
4. take a risk (still not sure what this means...I mean I know what it means, just not sure what type of risk to take...hmmm)
5. organize shoes in closet (I'm moving this to last...I hate organizing...how about I pay someone to do it...)
6. throw away all socks and hose that have holes (this could also take a while...)
7. knit a scarf for lindsey (totally working on it...in fact we found the lost yarn, so I have officially started TWO scarves for lindsey!)
8. write a letter to someone you haven't talked to in over a month
9. get a car wash
10. put all car cds in a book (this seems pointless but I'll give it a go!)

It does feel good to have the list...it makes me feel like I'll accomplish something that I hadn't intended on doing in the first place. Plus it holds me to some things...like running...sometimes I just don't feel like doing it, but it's on my list...so I must!

Anyway I'll keep you all posted as to anything interesting that results because of my list. I'm sure there will be something...there always is.

Can't Nobody Hold Me Down...

Ok...so the last blog was a little bit of a downer. And although those feelings I talked about are true, I try not to dwell on them too much. I guess I'm just more of a happy person. I don't like to dwell on the bad, and while this may be out of the norm for me I am getting ready to blog about the second thing in my life that is trying to keep me down.

It's the common cold.

It thinks that it has found its next victim, but Common Cold...you have another thing coming. I have set up an arsenal of vitamins, drugs, and herbal teas to help ward off the grossness that is trying to take over my body. It will not get the best of me. sing it with me..."Can't nobody hoooolllddd me down...oh no. I've got to keep on moving."

Alone...

So the thoughts I am about to express are thoughts and feelings that have been whirling around inside my head and heart for a while now, and I want to preface it by saying that I feel so incredibly supported by my friends and family and I am sooo thankful that they are a phone call or not so short drive away. This confession has been a long time coming and it isn't necessarily an easy one for me to admit. But if Carrie Bradshaw can do it, so can I. (In fact watching Season 5 of my favorite television show and hearing the strong single independent Carrie confess this same feeling made me feel not as bad about claiming in.) I feel alone.

The loneliness I feel very seldom has anything to do with my personal life. Ok, sometimes it does. I long for the days when I could sit at the table with coffee and friends that just got it. I miss that. I don't often feel like there are people in my immediate life that are willing to stretch me, pull me, and challenge me to grow. Everyone who has an intimate knowledge of me lives at least 4 hours away and most of them are farther away than that. I miss having intimate friends to sit on the couch with and be ridiculous if I need to be ridiculous. So I guess on some level I feel a personal loneliness. There have been some big issues lately, mostly peripheral to my life, but handling them and dealing with them is always easier when you have a sounding board. I miss that.

The loneliness that has been hitting me the hardest is the loneliness of ministry. This loneliness is sometimes overwhelming. My heart convicts me so strongly in the ministry that I have been given. I had my junior high youth at a gathering this weekend. There were only 4 of them and I was the only chaperon. During one of the worship times, that feeling hit me. I felt alone. I felt like I was constantly handling the situations incorrectly...was I disciplining them too much, was I giving them too much freedom, was I getting frustrated when I shouldn't have gotten frustrated, should I be that annoying youth leader who "overdoes" it in an attempt to look cool for the masses...I wanted someone to hold my hand and say, "Rachel it's going to be alright." I needed someone to say, "10 years from now these youth will look back on this gathering as a changing point in their lives" even if it wasn't true. Being in youth ministry in this congregation is difficult. There aren't many people who even recognize that there's a younger generation out there...I want to make them all watch Pollyanna and remember that young people can impact older ones.

The loneliest ministry though is the outreach ministry. It's so difficult. I feel like there is very little help. People don't seem to care. I can put in 80 hours or 20 and it doesn't seem to make a difference. I don't know how to get a message across. I don't know how to get people excited about the things that I'm excited about and the the things I think God would have us be concerned for. I've been reading a lot of readings from the prophets in the old testament lately. I think prophets had a pretty junky job most of the time...they were called to bring a message that people didn't want to hear. Sometimes I feel that way. People don't want to hear that they should care more about others than they do themselves. We're taught in America to look out for number one, and number one is yourself. Sometimes I feel like church is more about chasing the American Dream than following Jesus. I think it's even more frustrating to me because I know I do it too sometimes...so then I feel hypocritical asking someone to do something that I fail at too. I don't even know if this makes sense. I just wish that I had someone else that cared about it like I do. Someone who was working with me.

I know that God is always with us, and working in and through me, and that I shouldn't feel lonely with God on my side, but I guess sometimes I have trouble recognizing that God is there. I think I'm just in a season of life where when I look ahead at all the things that could happen, and all the things I feel like I could accomplish it just seems so big. Too big. Too big to go it alone. And it's in those moments that I try to remind myself that I'm not going it alone. I just wish I could get that feeling to stick. Loneliness stinks.

Hesitation...

I hesiate to write this for two reasons...

1) Lindsey is going to be upset that I made something for someone else first,

and

2) You will all think that I have definitely gone off the "freak show" deep end.

Tonight I finished my first knitting project. It was a scarf for my dog. I don't even think she likes it. Ungrateful pet.

...

So it's been a while since I blogged, and quite honestly there has been a lot going on in my world since I last wrote...and there are so many things that I actually wanted to write about along the way. Unfortunately blogger hated me for a few days and wouldn't let me sign in, so believe me when I tell you there are loads of great blogs that were never written because technology got the better of me. (seriously, I watched Walk the Line today for the first time and i was blown away...I always new I wanted to marry Joaquin Phoenix...but after this movie I'm pretty sure I will be pining for him for the rest of time) Ah well.

Today is my parent's anniversary. They have been married for 29 years. The older I get the more I realize how incredible my parents actually are. I love them so much and I'm so thankful for their influence in my life. I think the thing that amazes me the most is how much they actually love each other. I often wonder if I will ever be able to spend day in and day out with one person, but the thing about my parents is that they would actually rather spend their time with each other than any other person, thing or activity. They are an amazing testament to marriage in it's truest purest form and in a world where relationships are getting more and more messed up and have a better chance of failing than sticking together, I have learned to appreciate the beauty of what they have together. I can look at them as more than just the people who raised me and love me unconditionally...I can look at them as a couple who has made a committment to each other and God and in spite of the hard things in life have stuck it out, and their relationship is even more beautiful because of it. And while I don't know if I'll ever get married, I do know that if I do I can thank my parents for all the lessons they've taught me about relationships, whether they realize it or not.

While I'm on the topic of relationships, I've been thinking a lot about them recently. Not specifically romantic relationships, or "friend" relationships, but the idea of two people giving to each other's existance. What's interesting to me is how you can be something to someone for an extended period of time and then something happens and it all seems to change. The relationship may still be there, but it just takes on a different form...it looks different, and it definitely feels different. Part of this "change" usually makes me sad...in a way I almost mourn the loss of what I had, but part of the "change" is good too I suppose. We all need change...we're dynamic creatures. It's in these times of change that it's important to trust God...

which leads me to my last thought. I had a great talk with my grandmother tonight. If you have never met my grandmother, you should. She's amazing. It's great because she always seems to know what to say to me...reassures me of Gods goodness. Tonight I was putting away the end of my Christmas decorations, and as I wrapped stuff up I was overwhelmed with the thought of missing my Grandma Adams. I have so much of her Christmas stuff...most of it I got when she passed away. I miss her...then I picked up my phone and there was a voicemail from my other Grandmother...her voice made me smile...then I called her...our conversation made my heart smile. She is so wise, and discerning, and caring. The best thing is that I know that she's praying. She's always praying...

I hope I grow up to be just like her.

I Simply Remember My Favorite Things...

What a week...So much has happened since I last wrote a blog the day after Christmas. It's been busy, crazy, fun, tiresome, confusing, fabulous and so much more. I recently spent 4 days in Minnesota. Some of my favorite people still live in the Twin Cities and I try to get up there to visit them a few times a year. This visit was special though because there were no conferences, youth groups, events, meetings, or anything else that was on the agenda...just good quality friend time. So if you'd like...take a walk with me down memory lane from my last few days of 2006 to the beginning of 2007.

First off...I was completely wrapped up in the adorableness of Godson Noah. I don't think this child could be any cuter, or have more personality. He has grown so much since the last time I saw him (and that was only 4 months ago!)




I love this child! I had so much fun playing with him, listening to him say "Hi" and observing his "Pity the Fool Face" and when you ask him what a snake says you can actually get him to smile like this...

Also I think Godson Noah liked the Christmas presents I brought! The cell phone seemed to be a big hit, and once he figured out how to walk in the snow boots I think he really liked them! Here he is geared up with some of his Christmas presents...

There was no shortage of fun while I was in MN. I love my Minnesota friends. Hanging out with Best Friend Danielle's Husband Paul is always a highlight. What I love about Paul is that the more I get to hang out with him, the more I feel like he is truly a friend of mine...he's not just my friend's husband but he's a friend as well...and he's funny...he coaches me in old school arcade racing games, watches late night CNN, Conan and the horrible Carson Daly Show, and reads bedtime stories about how to be a better superhero! He'll be talking complete nonsense one minute and the next he says something that is really profound. Also, another perk to being paul's friend is that he'll let you try on his Valentine's Pants...

Then there are my girlfriends...my sisters...Hanging out with Lindsey and Danielle is always fabulous. The only problem is that there just isn't enough time. And on top of Lindsey and Danielle time I even got to hang out with Laura...who is more beautiful every time I see her. I love these women. We laugh, cry, talk, eat, sing, play, and try to solve the worlds problems. They are better friends than any person could ask for. Here are some pics of the "photo shoot" with Laura...

And of course no trip to MN would be complete without a "sister's picture." My New Year's resolution this year is to make sure at some point all of the sisters are together in one place at the same time so we no longer have to talk about photo shopping someone in! Inga you were missed!

oh...and here's a fun one of Linds and I at midnight! Just before we played the messed up, not real, version of Balderdash...stupid Matel.



There are so many things I could say about this trip. I had so many highlights....from worshipping with my friends and bringing food to the homeless people on the snowy streets, to singing the goodnight lullaby to my Godson with his mother who happens to be my best friend. I wish that I could share in the everday life of these beautiful people. At this point in our life God has called us to different places, but thankfully the distance has not make these friendships any less fabulous, I actually think they have gotten stronger and more beautiful as the years have gone by. I cannot wait to see where God takes us! Lastly I got to be with Danielle and Lindsey as Noah experienced his first snow...we took about a gazillion pictures, but blogger will hate me if I try to post them all...so I'll close with a couple of pics that I adore of Godson Noah and me in the snow! Cheers to my friends...Cheers to 2006...and Cheers to a fabulous 2007!

Then End!