My List...

I have never been much of a list maker. Seriously I don't do it because I make the list, then it gets misplaced and I never find it again. Plus I'm the type of person who will just put things on a list so I can cross them off, usually meaning that I write something on the list that I have already done so I start off with a sense of accomplishment...My friends are list people...and recently my dear friend made me a "to-do" list for the month of january, but since I got it halfway through the month, I'm going to let it carry over into February. Here it is...

Rachel's January to do list:
1. Try a new food never eaten before (done...had the mexican steak wrapped around some kind of pepper...tres good. )
2. run at least 3 times per week (so far so good!)
3. Read 1 fun book and 1 educational book (halfway through the fun book...working on another)
4. take a risk (still not sure what this means...I mean I know what it means, just not sure what type of risk to take...hmmm)
5. organize shoes in closet (I'm moving this to last...I hate organizing...how about I pay someone to do it...)
6. throw away all socks and hose that have holes (this could also take a while...)
7. knit a scarf for lindsey (totally working on it...in fact we found the lost yarn, so I have officially started TWO scarves for lindsey!)
8. write a letter to someone you haven't talked to in over a month
9. get a car wash
10. put all car cds in a book (this seems pointless but I'll give it a go!)

It does feel good to have the list...it makes me feel like I'll accomplish something that I hadn't intended on doing in the first place. Plus it holds me to some things...like running...sometimes I just don't feel like doing it, but it's on my list...so I must!

Anyway I'll keep you all posted as to anything interesting that results because of my list. I'm sure there will be something...there always is.

Can't Nobody Hold Me Down...

Ok...so the last blog was a little bit of a downer. And although those feelings I talked about are true, I try not to dwell on them too much. I guess I'm just more of a happy person. I don't like to dwell on the bad, and while this may be out of the norm for me I am getting ready to blog about the second thing in my life that is trying to keep me down.

It's the common cold.

It thinks that it has found its next victim, but Common Cold...you have another thing coming. I have set up an arsenal of vitamins, drugs, and herbal teas to help ward off the grossness that is trying to take over my body. It will not get the best of me. sing it with me..."Can't nobody hoooolllddd me down...oh no. I've got to keep on moving."

Alone...

So the thoughts I am about to express are thoughts and feelings that have been whirling around inside my head and heart for a while now, and I want to preface it by saying that I feel so incredibly supported by my friends and family and I am sooo thankful that they are a phone call or not so short drive away. This confession has been a long time coming and it isn't necessarily an easy one for me to admit. But if Carrie Bradshaw can do it, so can I. (In fact watching Season 5 of my favorite television show and hearing the strong single independent Carrie confess this same feeling made me feel not as bad about claiming in.) I feel alone.

The loneliness I feel very seldom has anything to do with my personal life. Ok, sometimes it does. I long for the days when I could sit at the table with coffee and friends that just got it. I miss that. I don't often feel like there are people in my immediate life that are willing to stretch me, pull me, and challenge me to grow. Everyone who has an intimate knowledge of me lives at least 4 hours away and most of them are farther away than that. I miss having intimate friends to sit on the couch with and be ridiculous if I need to be ridiculous. So I guess on some level I feel a personal loneliness. There have been some big issues lately, mostly peripheral to my life, but handling them and dealing with them is always easier when you have a sounding board. I miss that.

The loneliness that has been hitting me the hardest is the loneliness of ministry. This loneliness is sometimes overwhelming. My heart convicts me so strongly in the ministry that I have been given. I had my junior high youth at a gathering this weekend. There were only 4 of them and I was the only chaperon. During one of the worship times, that feeling hit me. I felt alone. I felt like I was constantly handling the situations incorrectly...was I disciplining them too much, was I giving them too much freedom, was I getting frustrated when I shouldn't have gotten frustrated, should I be that annoying youth leader who "overdoes" it in an attempt to look cool for the masses...I wanted someone to hold my hand and say, "Rachel it's going to be alright." I needed someone to say, "10 years from now these youth will look back on this gathering as a changing point in their lives" even if it wasn't true. Being in youth ministry in this congregation is difficult. There aren't many people who even recognize that there's a younger generation out there...I want to make them all watch Pollyanna and remember that young people can impact older ones.

The loneliest ministry though is the outreach ministry. It's so difficult. I feel like there is very little help. People don't seem to care. I can put in 80 hours or 20 and it doesn't seem to make a difference. I don't know how to get a message across. I don't know how to get people excited about the things that I'm excited about and the the things I think God would have us be concerned for. I've been reading a lot of readings from the prophets in the old testament lately. I think prophets had a pretty junky job most of the time...they were called to bring a message that people didn't want to hear. Sometimes I feel that way. People don't want to hear that they should care more about others than they do themselves. We're taught in America to look out for number one, and number one is yourself. Sometimes I feel like church is more about chasing the American Dream than following Jesus. I think it's even more frustrating to me because I know I do it too sometimes...so then I feel hypocritical asking someone to do something that I fail at too. I don't even know if this makes sense. I just wish that I had someone else that cared about it like I do. Someone who was working with me.

I know that God is always with us, and working in and through me, and that I shouldn't feel lonely with God on my side, but I guess sometimes I have trouble recognizing that God is there. I think I'm just in a season of life where when I look ahead at all the things that could happen, and all the things I feel like I could accomplish it just seems so big. Too big. Too big to go it alone. And it's in those moments that I try to remind myself that I'm not going it alone. I just wish I could get that feeling to stick. Loneliness stinks.

Hesitation...

I hesiate to write this for two reasons...

1) Lindsey is going to be upset that I made something for someone else first,

and

2) You will all think that I have definitely gone off the "freak show" deep end.

Tonight I finished my first knitting project. It was a scarf for my dog. I don't even think she likes it. Ungrateful pet.

...

So it's been a while since I blogged, and quite honestly there has been a lot going on in my world since I last wrote...and there are so many things that I actually wanted to write about along the way. Unfortunately blogger hated me for a few days and wouldn't let me sign in, so believe me when I tell you there are loads of great blogs that were never written because technology got the better of me. (seriously, I watched Walk the Line today for the first time and i was blown away...I always new I wanted to marry Joaquin Phoenix...but after this movie I'm pretty sure I will be pining for him for the rest of time) Ah well.

Today is my parent's anniversary. They have been married for 29 years. The older I get the more I realize how incredible my parents actually are. I love them so much and I'm so thankful for their influence in my life. I think the thing that amazes me the most is how much they actually love each other. I often wonder if I will ever be able to spend day in and day out with one person, but the thing about my parents is that they would actually rather spend their time with each other than any other person, thing or activity. They are an amazing testament to marriage in it's truest purest form and in a world where relationships are getting more and more messed up and have a better chance of failing than sticking together, I have learned to appreciate the beauty of what they have together. I can look at them as more than just the people who raised me and love me unconditionally...I can look at them as a couple who has made a committment to each other and God and in spite of the hard things in life have stuck it out, and their relationship is even more beautiful because of it. And while I don't know if I'll ever get married, I do know that if I do I can thank my parents for all the lessons they've taught me about relationships, whether they realize it or not.

While I'm on the topic of relationships, I've been thinking a lot about them recently. Not specifically romantic relationships, or "friend" relationships, but the idea of two people giving to each other's existance. What's interesting to me is how you can be something to someone for an extended period of time and then something happens and it all seems to change. The relationship may still be there, but it just takes on a different form...it looks different, and it definitely feels different. Part of this "change" usually makes me sad...in a way I almost mourn the loss of what I had, but part of the "change" is good too I suppose. We all need change...we're dynamic creatures. It's in these times of change that it's important to trust God...

which leads me to my last thought. I had a great talk with my grandmother tonight. If you have never met my grandmother, you should. She's amazing. It's great because she always seems to know what to say to me...reassures me of Gods goodness. Tonight I was putting away the end of my Christmas decorations, and as I wrapped stuff up I was overwhelmed with the thought of missing my Grandma Adams. I have so much of her Christmas stuff...most of it I got when she passed away. I miss her...then I picked up my phone and there was a voicemail from my other Grandmother...her voice made me smile...then I called her...our conversation made my heart smile. She is so wise, and discerning, and caring. The best thing is that I know that she's praying. She's always praying...

I hope I grow up to be just like her.

I Simply Remember My Favorite Things...

What a week...So much has happened since I last wrote a blog the day after Christmas. It's been busy, crazy, fun, tiresome, confusing, fabulous and so much more. I recently spent 4 days in Minnesota. Some of my favorite people still live in the Twin Cities and I try to get up there to visit them a few times a year. This visit was special though because there were no conferences, youth groups, events, meetings, or anything else that was on the agenda...just good quality friend time. So if you'd like...take a walk with me down memory lane from my last few days of 2006 to the beginning of 2007.

First off...I was completely wrapped up in the adorableness of Godson Noah. I don't think this child could be any cuter, or have more personality. He has grown so much since the last time I saw him (and that was only 4 months ago!)




I love this child! I had so much fun playing with him, listening to him say "Hi" and observing his "Pity the Fool Face" and when you ask him what a snake says you can actually get him to smile like this...

Also I think Godson Noah liked the Christmas presents I brought! The cell phone seemed to be a big hit, and once he figured out how to walk in the snow boots I think he really liked them! Here he is geared up with some of his Christmas presents...

There was no shortage of fun while I was in MN. I love my Minnesota friends. Hanging out with Best Friend Danielle's Husband Paul is always a highlight. What I love about Paul is that the more I get to hang out with him, the more I feel like he is truly a friend of mine...he's not just my friend's husband but he's a friend as well...and he's funny...he coaches me in old school arcade racing games, watches late night CNN, Conan and the horrible Carson Daly Show, and reads bedtime stories about how to be a better superhero! He'll be talking complete nonsense one minute and the next he says something that is really profound. Also, another perk to being paul's friend is that he'll let you try on his Valentine's Pants...

Then there are my girlfriends...my sisters...Hanging out with Lindsey and Danielle is always fabulous. The only problem is that there just isn't enough time. And on top of Lindsey and Danielle time I even got to hang out with Laura...who is more beautiful every time I see her. I love these women. We laugh, cry, talk, eat, sing, play, and try to solve the worlds problems. They are better friends than any person could ask for. Here are some pics of the "photo shoot" with Laura...

And of course no trip to MN would be complete without a "sister's picture." My New Year's resolution this year is to make sure at some point all of the sisters are together in one place at the same time so we no longer have to talk about photo shopping someone in! Inga you were missed!

oh...and here's a fun one of Linds and I at midnight! Just before we played the messed up, not real, version of Balderdash...stupid Matel.



There are so many things I could say about this trip. I had so many highlights....from worshipping with my friends and bringing food to the homeless people on the snowy streets, to singing the goodnight lullaby to my Godson with his mother who happens to be my best friend. I wish that I could share in the everday life of these beautiful people. At this point in our life God has called us to different places, but thankfully the distance has not make these friendships any less fabulous, I actually think they have gotten stronger and more beautiful as the years have gone by. I cannot wait to see where God takes us! Lastly I got to be with Danielle and Lindsey as Noah experienced his first snow...we took about a gazillion pictures, but blogger will hate me if I try to post them all...so I'll close with a couple of pics that I adore of Godson Noah and me in the snow! Cheers to my friends...Cheers to 2006...and Cheers to a fabulous 2007!

Then End!